December 5th, 2025

 

[1:40 pm]

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Something is... Wrong. with me. And I'm tired pf people not grasping the severity of it. 

I was cam-whoring a while ago (without my now ex boyfriend's knowledge), and I thought that it would help me get over him and that I would finally feel happy for once in my fucking life. And it was fun at first (or maybe I was just too retarded to understand), but honestly, it's just made me realize the truth about myself. 

The truth is that I am not a good person in the slightest, and it makes me sick how people can still trust me even after all the shit I've pulled in my life. 

I'm not pretty, I have a horrible personality, I don't feel empathy for anyone but myself, I'm selfish, I'm angry, I'm a loser, I take advantage of people's kindness, I abuse and manipulate people for my own emotional gain, I blame others for problems that are clearly my fault, while acting like I'm so perfect, I'm a cheater (if that wasn't obvious enough), and when I get upset, instead of communicating how I feel, I push them away. All of them. Not to mention that I'm such a bigoted asshole online thinking that it could make me feel more numb to the pain in my soul when in reality, it just makes it more obvious. 

I'm no better than the damn foids that ruined my life.

Maybe I just deserve to suffer, and honestly, I should've just killed myself a long time ago, it's so pathetic that I haven't yet. The therapists that were harassing me into opening up are only keeping alive a genuine monster that doesn't deserve to exist. 

It's all I've been able to think about since yesterday when the server I made got shut down. The only thing that's been able to keep my mind off of all of my cruelty is YandereDev (bless his soul, poor guy doesn't know what kind of person he's dealing with), but that can only help so much. There's no hiding the fact that I'm such a horrible person anyway. 

What's worse is that I got a job recently and I want to just quit it and self isolate again, but I can't because my mom will kick me out if I do, so I don't have much time to finish this entry anyway. 

But I gotta ask: why is it that I can be such a horrible and abusive person with KNOWN evidence against me, and people will STILL go out of their way to befriend me and make me a part of their lives? That's just self inflicted pain, and I'm not going to let anyone else be hurt by me again.

So I blocked my ex and the 60+ other men I've been messaging, and they're still trying to contact me because apparently, they can't handle the fact that I don't want them to deal with someone like me. They want to be abused by the foids that take advantage of them all the time, and that's honestly fucking sad to watch. 

Maybe if I do finally get to quit my job, I can drown myself in alcohol the same way my aunt did before she passed away, and I'll forget about all of this. I don't deserve happiness, and I was stupid for thinking I did.  

I should've stayed in the mental hospital where I belong.